I ate myself sick today, and now I don’t know if you’ve ever done this. Eaten so much in such a short period of time you either feel like you are going to be sick or do make yourself physically sick. I was eating to avoid feeling. Why do you eat this way? Have you realized you eat this way?
I’ve been running on fumes, going from six in the morning till midnight or later. Driving family to and from work, going to class and finishing assignments. Now I didn’t do this and not try to change or keep healthy. Every day I tried to go to bed earlier, eat healthy when I could, change my situation. It wasn’t happening.
This has been going on for four months, and before this I had just started jogging outdoors after six months of going to the gym. I‘ve was working on not procrastinating my assignments, eating healthier, losing weight. I lost weight, but not as originally planned. Lately, I have become too busy to eat, I started getting chest and abdominal pain from stress and anxiety. I wasn’t sleeping. So two weeks ago I went to my doctor for anti anxiety meds, and I got my first two days off in four months.
I ate myself sick. I slept in until two in the afternoon, not wanting to get up and face the world. When I did, I ate so much I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t even make it through one day off.
There‘s an assignment due in two days that is barely an outline, and I’m exhausted even though I slept for so long. I was trying not to feel, not to notice my surroundings or my situation. To ignore it until I adapted, or until I was so busy I didn’t have the energy to notice. It was too much. I’m now sitting at a family members writing this after having a breakdown in the shower.
This has happened before
I looked at myself and I felt fat, like really really fat, the way anorexic people look at themselves in the mirror in movies even though they don’t look like that. I’m not fat, I’m not skinny. I am a healthy but husky size that I have never had a problem with, and I saw myself as disgustingly fat. Because I ate myself sick today.
This won’t change my situation – writing this, but it helps, I’m doing something besides eating, I am ignoring my stresses for a little while, just until I have to go back. Go back to continue to fight to make changes, to find something better. I am stressed, I will probably always be stress, but I refuse to give in to body shaming, or let myself feel like I am less then I am because I want a better life for myself.
We are all different beings, and I respect that.