Defeated

There are always ups and downs with anything in life, especially weight loss and getting healthy. Today I was defeated, really this whole week is a down. This post is more for therapeutic reasons than anything. At the moment it’s a long weekend. Which means everything is on hold until Tuesday morning, as early as possible. Tuesday morning I will be leaving my family Dr and looking for a new one.

I’m officially at my wits end trying to get better on my own. I’m not sure I can handle one more judgmental visit that my size 12 ass is the only thing keeping me sick. I know I’m not “healthy skinny.” However, I’ve gone down from a size 18 to a size 10. (back up to 12 after a small one month stress binge) However I am still on my regular healthy eating, exercising almost every day. Even if it is just longer walks with Bear my dog.

I’m tired, and I’m defeated. I’m tired of limiting or completely cutting out sugar and bad carbs (not all, just the bad ones). Feeling like I’ve been punched in the face by a two-by-four. Fever, chills, sore muscles, dizziness, nausea, headaches, stuffy/runny nose, insane sneezing. I’m talking 25+ in a row, it’s become a game to see if I’ll beat my record, just to keep my sanity. (My record is 37 from a year and a half ago when the symptoms were the worst). There are more symptoms but those are the worst or most common.

Then I eat limited bad carbs just to curb those symptoms. It does, they all disappear (after three hours or more of feeling like I am dying and usually a nap) <<– I have tried a nap/ healthy ways to calm these symptoms and nothing works. Yoga, meditation, tea, healthy meal, a nap or even another 8 hours of sleep. Nothing. Nothing but sugar calms these down. I have also just suffered for over three weeks this way. Thinking it’s just withdrawal or in my head. That I can get past the worst of it and continue to get better. HAHAHAHA nope. Doesn’t work.

So I eat the bad carbs and a little sugar. I feel so much better mentally, the symptoms disappear and I feel almost normal again, I can function! I can survive work and not embarrass myself in front of my boyfriend. But then it’s all the unhealthy (run now if you’re squeamish or easily grossed out because here comes some too much information). All the unhealthy stuff that I’ve been trying to get better from by losing weight and cutting sugar. The chronic yeast infection (yaay so much fun.) And everything that comes with a long term yeast infection (sorry hubby), the biggest thing, is the pain. My doctor seems unconcerned with this and the effect it is having on my life and mental health/happiness. I even have a follow up appointment for abnormal cells after a physical and yet she STILL thinks I’m fine.

So this Tuesday morning off I go to find a doctor who is interested in diagnosing an illness. Or at least interested in helping me manage it. I know new family doctors are hard to find in Canada. Especially as a young “supposed to be healthy” person. But at this point, my doctor isn’t doing anything anyways, doesn’t hurt to start looking. The scariest part is having to give up your family doctor before being able to put your name on the list for a new one. No safety net.