Mad at Myself

Today I am mad. I am mad at myself for everything that I can’t do. That I haven’t done, that I don’t want to do and that I know I should do. I’m mad at everything I can’t change, and for everything I wish I could change. I’m mad at myself, but I don’t hate myself.

I know at the end of the day, I’ll try and sleep. I’ll remember everything that has had me stressed all day. All the things I’m mad at. I know that when I finally do fall asleep I won’t be mad at myself anymore. Because I am finally resting. I know deep down that I am only mad at myself. Because I am tired, I am stressed and subconsciously I feel like I should be.

I remind myself, that I don’t need to be mad at myself. No one else is mad at me. My anxiety makes it feel like they are, every comment feels like an attack, I KNOW I DIDN’T DO ENOUGH. I’m the one, its my mind that is attacking myself. Because I’m mad, because I’m tired and because I’m stressed.

I’m mad.

I’m mad that I didn’t get the laundry put away this weekend and K had to do it. I’ve been mad that I wasn’t feeling well for a few days. And that I got in more fights with K than I would like. I’m mad that I didn’t get meal prep. Or smoothie prep done and I am going to regret it this week. I’m mad that I’m too tired to do much of anything this week and for eating too much. I am mad at myself for being mad.

I’m mad at myself but I know this will pass. I know how hard it’s going to be to get back into the rhythm of things. How much I am going to have to work towards getting back on top of my health, my energy, my life. It’s back to eating healthy, finding the time and energy to exercise. Most of all to find the time to take care of myself. To follow through with self care. Even if I am mad at my self enough to feel like I don’t deserve it.

This is why I am mad at myself.

I missed a week of self care for responsibilities and I am now paying the consequences. I’m mad at myself so that I am not mad at anyone else. I chose to give my time and energy away at the time and I do not regret it. I’m just mad I didn’t have more to give. I am mad that I am now feeling like I am neglecting others. Especially my responsibilities to take care of myself.

I won’t be mad for long. I know it’s not healthy, not the way to deal with these things, or these feelings. There are healthier ways but sometimes I am just not strong enough. Sometimes I just need to be mad at myself for a day or two before I take a deep breath. To remind myself that there is a way out of the over flowing bowl of responsibilities. That it is not all bad. That I will feel better. I will get things back on track one day at a time, because remember, it’s okay to miss a week! It’s okay to be mad sometimes.

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This is my life, this is me. Only slightly filtered and completely honest this is the journal of my life and my way of coping with the everyday.

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