This week has been a particularly difficult one. I over extended myself over the weekend (which for me is a Tuesday and Wednesday night, yaay midnights!) and after doing too much over those days I am paying the price. Yet I am not the only one paying the price, my companion animals, my boyfriend (K), my family and friends are paying the price. I no longer have the energy to see family or friends, text messages are being forgotten and pushed aside, the pets are getting everything they need but nothing extra, they aren’t getting the time and attention I wish I could give them, and K has to deal with the rest. He has to pick up the slack around the house, deal with the miserable mood I’ve been in, he has to deal with me being a party pooper. No fun nights/days out, no laughing and joking, no tickle fights or chasing each other around with cold hands (we work in a refrigerated environment and Canadian winter is coming).
I barely have enough energy to make it through works and the few responsibilities at home I am determined to do. That energy is spent with a low grade persistent fever that has me feeling chilled all day causing the most annoying runny nose. Ever sniffed and sniffed, felt like your nose was running and you blow it … and nothing? No relief, no help, nothing but the continued snuffly feeling. When I finally get home to relax and warm up it means tense sore muscles, red sore nose, tired eyes and a need to crawl into bed with all the comfort foods (but I grumble while I make and eat healthy food, most of the time).
I feel bad about cancelling plans with family to get better so I don’t, even though I know making that trip on Tuesday is just going to make things worse, because I am not taking the time to get better. But the time it takes to get better takes time away from my family, who I want nothing more than to see and spend time with, but when do you make the decision that your health is more important? I feel like I am annoying my coworkers pacing the office to and from the bathroom (fevers make me have to pee more often), reheating my tea a million and one times to keep warm, sniffling quietly even after blowing my nose every time I pee!
When it is finally time to sleep and relax, I’m normally feeling a bit better, having spent some time at home with the ones I love (furry and not), eaten and usually had a good hot shower or relaxing bath I can’t sleep. My brain sits there thinking “but we feel better!” we wasted the day feeling terrible lets enjoy this feeling, lets not do anything but sit here and enjoy not feeling terrible! But I need to sleep! If I don’t sleep it just gets worse tomorrow, thank you brain.
It’s weeks like this one that remind me I am not invincible, and I am not like everyone else. It’s weeks like this one that remind me just how far I’ve come when everyday was this bad, every week and every month. I’m lucky, I’m getting better, a bad week after three good ones? That’s a record. I AM getting better, but slowly, and I need to remember that. This isn’t something that is going to go away over night. It doesn’t matter if friends and family don’t understand, I do, and I have to focus on that. I have to remember to take care of myself before I can take care of others. I have to remember there will be time when I am healthier for all the things I can’t do now.
I have to remind myself that the sighs of annoyance and rolled eyes are nothing personal, only a misunderstanding. I remind myself to be thankful that those in my life who do not understand are healthy enough to be able to feel that way, and I am happy they never have to feel this way and understand what I am facing. I hope they stay that healthy, because one day I will be that healthy too.
1 throught on "My Illness, My Life"